There is something fundamentally different within my heart and soul that was not so two years ago.

I am missing something, my wordlview has been shattered, things have been too hard on me, and I am just a little bit too broken to continue sitting on the shelf. I’m expired, damaged, and should be thrown out. The sell-by date has come and gone, and I can feel it in my bones.

I have less hope than I used to, a less optimistic outlook on life, a less sure footing in the world. I am persistently waiting for the other shoe to drop, and consistently the world drops it for me. So I suppose, the world is really poised like Kali, a slipper or stiletto or Jimmy Choo dangling from each arm, the closet of Imelda Marcos at her reach; there is an eternity of shoes waiting to be dropped, and I don’t know how I can continue hair-trigger waiting, cocked and taut, safety off.

I am tired, to be sure. I never thought “too much” would be “too much.”  The brain surgery, the moves, the divorce, the job change, the inept graduate program, the unsatisfactory employment, the chronic pain, the life-altering diagnosis, the parental disownment, their theft of my personal property, the coming out, the estrangement from friends, the death of grandparents, the nomadic lifestyle for a year, the transition. The list alone is exhausting. I am sure I have not detailed it all of it, and then to remember that I lived through it, am living through it, and am still feeling its ramifications every day … well, I’ve become blase and unfeeling. I am rather numb. I see the world as gray. Every day is gray. I fear sunshine, as it may make me feel too much. No day is too happy. No day is too sad. I am just getting through. I am not depressed, but I am not happy. I just am. And that’s no way to be, really.

Most days I think about being dead. I think about how it would be a lot easier if I were dead. Not because I want to kill myself. not because I am in any psychic pain overtly. Physical pain, yes, somedays immensely. Somedays that almost drives me to suicde admittedly. Most days I think about dying because the living is so pedantic. I barely feel alive most days, within my soul. This business of life has become so tiresome, so full of the bad, I’m ready to give it up. 

I guess what I’ve lost is my spirit. And I’m not sure any therapist or shrink can give that back to me.

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6 Comments

  1. Fatadelic said,

    December 28, 2008 at 12:19 am

    Hey, you’ve certainly had a rough year with all that you list. And it would be normal to feel affected by that. You say you aren’t depressed – maybe you say that because you know you are having a reaction to what you have been through or because you believe what you are feeling isn’t “bad enough” to be depression – but everything you say rings the alarm bells for me. The numbness, the grayness, the loss of spirit, the easier to be dead thoughts (even if they are not suicidal), the lack of belief that you can be helped. I recognise these thoughts from my own experience.

    Even if you are able to function normally (i.e. get through the day), the fact is that these thoughts and feelings are having an impact on your quality of life. You don’t have to endure what you are going through alone. Talk about this to someone you trust or your doctor. Whether you are depressed or not, just talking about what you are going through can be a relief and if it is depression, you can get help.

    Please take care. xx

  2. bri said,

    December 28, 2008 at 12:43 am

    I agree with Fatadelic. As one of those counsellor/therapist people I would say you ARE depressed. Please talk to someone about it, someone in real life like a friend or preferably your doctor. Thinking of you.

  3. thoughtracer said,

    December 28, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    I will be talking to my shrink and therapist about it. Thanks for reading and reaching out.

  4. Julia said,

    December 28, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    I can’t offer any concrete advice that hasn’t been offered, but I am thinking of you.

  5. December 28, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    I really understand those feelings, I deal with them too. Where everyday holds nothing really and all you have to focus on is making it through. Where you are just to tired of life that you see no reason or meaning in it anymore and the thought of dying is not a sad idea.. but at times a welcome one. I too live in a monotone world too numb from the hurt and pain I have been through to feel anything more, callused from the constant wear I am jaded and hardened to most of what people tell me.There are times when I laugh yes, but it can seemed almost tinged with hysteria, cause I am trying to feel happy .. and it just isn’t working. I can sympathize and empathize with you totally and I want to say I am glad you will be talking to your shrink and therapist, yes they may not be able to “cure” this.. but at least you will have someone to talk to who can guide you into less depressed thinking… cause you do sound depressed truly just like I am. Maybe it will also help you feel like you are taking back control of things a bit, or at least be more empowered as you work with them.

    I just want to say I am always here if you want to talk or need to vent. I know it helps to have people you can just talk to and not get judged about how your feeling.. and I am offering that if you want it.. no pressures. I am glad you could share what your dealing with with us. I just want to give you big hugs!

  6. Purplefrog26 said,

    December 30, 2008 at 2:25 pm

    I don’t have anything deep or profound to say to fix it. I’ve had depression for a long time. But if you want to hang out let me know.


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