I am doing intensive work in therapy right now, and sometimes I wonder if I am going too deep, too fast. I’ve never been one to go slow or gentle. I wonder if this is dangerous, given my history of mental health. It’s a lot. I am the kind who mulls and chews and gets lost in her own thoughts, murky and muddy, and I worry that what is going on is is too hard and deep for me to rise above. I am having nightmares every night now, vivd enough to be woken by them, hearing in the corporeal realm the booming, screaming voice of my father that I had heard in the ethereal dream world just moments before. It’s almost hallucinatory.

And so, I am trying to keep most of my day time, non-therapeutic time light and sunny to balance out the darkness that is overtaking my unconscious, my psyche.

I had a lotus tattooed on my foot, and a solar symbol tattooed on my left wrist this week. The solar symbol completes the lunar symbol I had previously tattooed on my right wrist. But it is rather appropriate at this time, to remind myself not to get too dark, to keep lightness in my life.

The lotus symbolizes the beauty that will blossom from this time in this slick slime I am spending. I have to remind myself, as I analyze, therapeutize my life, that what has happened had meaning and purpose. That the pain can and will be transformed.

So it’s been hard for me to write about being fat or much else, because I’m stuck inside my head right now, figuring things out.



  1. Piffle said,

    April 19, 2008 at 10:48 pm

    Here’s a picture of a lovely rose, I hope it helps strengthen the light in your life:


    I’ve been browsing this site in the evenings, and dreaming of roses.

  2. Bri said,

    April 20, 2008 at 8:30 am


  3. Charlotte said,

    April 20, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    Sending you some hugs over the internet.
    You’re really brave for doing what you’re doing. I’ve needed to get into counseling for a while, and I’m scared because I know it’s going to be hard.

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